Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Go Firey! :D

YAY SPIDERFIRE MAN! :DDDD

Awwwwwwwwwwww xDDDD That is SUCH A SWEET AND WONDERFUL story :] Literally, a real life superhero :)

Not even ol JJJ could put a negative spin on this xDDD (well he prolly could but.. fwah on him xD)

Monday, March 23, 2009

*screams to infinity*

RAWRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR >:OOOOOOOO

In a disturbing diatribe on KNUS radio on March 14, host Trevor Carey engaged in a conversation with a caller in which both men condoned violence against transgender people, blaming slain Greeley, Colo. resident Angie Zapata, an 18-year-old transgender woman, for her own brutal murder.

(Transcript from Colorado Media Matters):

CAREY: And what the transgender segment of our society needs to be telling their type is, you don’t commit fraud because –

CALLER: No, that’s exactly what it was.

CAREY: A), you’re at least gonna get your teeth kicked in, and B) – [caller laughs] – here’s a story from Greeley that turned out very tragic, and you should pay attention to this, because –

CALLER: You know, when I was growin’ up in Greeley, I grew up in Greeley, that kind of stuff didn’t ever, you know, surface in this town. And it’s just sad, you know; my heart just weeps for all, everybody that’s concerned. But, you know, we gotta go back to basics. You’re a man or you’re a woman, and, like you said, if you’re fraudin’ somebody, then you deserve to have your teeth kicked in. Not necessarily hung or you’re killed, but it just – they shoulda known better, you know?


ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH >:O I am far too angry and upset to say nething coherent and honestly, do I rly have to? It speaks for itself >:O

Ppl saying this stuff rly rly scares me cuz they're basically advocating a) trans ppl are frauds b) the responsiblity for transphobia and being F-ING KILLED is on trans ppl not the ppl who perpetrate it c) we deserve whatever we get if we're "found out" and d) this is my life and the life of every other trans person they're talking about destroying and beating the crap out of so casually (but y'know, maybe not NECESSARILY killing, OH THANK YOU GENEROUS PPL) >:O

*SCREAMS*

I strongly encourage ppl who are also pissed off by this to take action and contact Mr. Carey and his radio station using the contact info provided in the link above >:O

Sunday, March 22, 2009

ED Post: Friends dun let friends eat real food

[[ED trigger warning]]

I just saw a Special K commercial where a slim woman is trying to put on pants but can't get the button up and is rly upsets and her equally slim friend says she can't bear to see her friend like this. And shows her SPECIAL K and see, it will help you lose weight!

See that's what friends DO when their friend is worrying about being fat and having body image issues, they say "YOU ARE FAT, THOSE JEANS SHOULD FIT YOU, YOUR BODY IS WRONG, GO EAT THIS NON-FOOD" >_<;;; That's how you know they are a REAL FRIEND.

I esp hate the idea that this and other commercials keep pushing that if jeans dun fit, instead of like... GETTING NEW JEANS (or if they're in the dressing room, FINDING ONES THAT DO FIT) you should LOSE WEIGHT. CLOTHING COMPANIES DECIDE WHAT YOUR IDEAL BODY SIZE AND WEIGHT SHOULD BE! >:O

And it just disgusts me also the message that if you CARE ABOUT YOUR FRIEND you wun let them eat real food, you'll feed their body hate and tell them "yeah you need to lose weight, stop eating real foods, eat yogurt!" and "your jeans dun fit you cuz you're too fat, go lose weight!" >:\

And srsly... when did clothing wear US instead of the OTHER WAY AROUND!? >:O

Friday, March 20, 2009

ED Repost: My body doesn't hate me when it resists losing weight, it loves me

Originally posted in my LJ on February 20 2009

All of this crap about Jessica Simpson and how "fat" she's suddenly become is rly annoying me >:| It IS nice to see celebrities (Ashlee, Jennifer Love Hewitt, etc) come out and defend her though and talk about how women's weights are set at unrealistic standards esp for celebs.

Sadly it seems as if the asshats win again :\ (I'm still hoping this story is just rumour and nothing more)

What rly struck me about this whole thing tho was the realization that the "equilibrium" weight and size (i.e. the weight our bodies want to be at) of celebrities are NOT AT ALL like how we're used to seeing them. :\ Everybody acts as if Jessica's done something crazy and weird and horrible to her body when rly this seems just like the size she normally would be at if celebrity culture and our own society in general didn't demand a size 0 from it's celebrities. Crash dieting, constant fitness work, etc just to get down to a super thin size, THAT is doing something crazy and weird and horrible to your body! >:|

Of course now that she's (apparently) given in, ppl are jumping up and down for joy cuz well, our reality has been confirmed and it's rly upsetting and anger mongering to read the sites that are jumping on this. >:|

However, it does help my own resolve to see what I'm up against and to consciously refute what they say.

Like this fitness person.

The closer you get to your goal weight, the tougher it can be to keep the scale moving. It can be very frustrating and marks a point where many get discouraged and give up.


This is very oft-repeated in our media, and also it's partner the whole "how to beat plateaus" thing. It's odd that nobody ever thinks twice about WHY our bodies plateau when we diet, or refuse to lose any more weight after a certain point. I mean it can't be b/c we've gone so far off of equilibrium our bodies are trying to keep us alive right?

Nah, our bodies are stupid. They must be tricked and beaten into submission! And that rly is it, there's so much out there about how to beat starvation mode, how to beat plateaus etc. I run to keep my metabolism up to actually beat the fact that my metabolism goes down the thinner I get. And why does it go down? Well it's not cuz my body hates me like all this weight-loss obsessed media seems to imply, it's cuz it loves me and doesn't want to die! >:O

And of course we can JOIN her in her crash diet!

Forget that losing 20 pounds in 8 weeks prolly isn't good for you (I lost 50 lbs in 12 weeks tho, pre-transition, so what do I know), we should all join her! It's rly like these sites are DELIGHTING in the fact that Jessica, who along with her family has been telling the media to F off and that she's happy with her body, has (apparently) given in and their reality is unshaken once more and fat is bad, natural body shapes are bad, and women should be thin thin thin! >:\

Of course they have various tips going on. I always find the "forget the scale" thing to be like fake enlightened advice. Cuz it just switches losing weight to losing SIZE which is ultimately what I focussed on neways. But it sounds so enlightened and not ED type of advice. >.<;;

#4. Cut the carbs: The verdict has been in for at least a century – when it comes to fat loss you will drop 75-100% more fat on a low-carb diet vs. a low-fat diet. What’s more is that most people will have more energy and less hunger with a low carb diet. The food pyramid is based on tradition, not results.


Cuz ppl never figured out how to eat until recently when they realized EVERYTHING EXCEPT CELERY IS BAD FOR YOU. e_e;; "Results" as if y'know, eating is counter productive! :\ And it's SO STUPID, like... being thin is not only an arbitrary standard of beauty (and a relatively NEW one) but it's not GOOD for you, your body doesn't WANT TO BE THIS WAY, and that's why it's so hard to get it down there and STAY DOWN THERE and you'll eventually rebound. And when that DOES happen, we get blamed for being "weak" and "greedy" and all sorts of other sinful words :( But what are we fighting against? Ourselves and our own well being and our body's sense of self preservation! It's SO RIDIC!

And sadly our society has twisted so much this idea of what is "normal" and "natural" for women that it is completely AGAINST what is normal and natural for us :\ It's like YOUR BODY and NATURE and EVERYTHING IS WRONG, YOU MUST DEFEAT IT! >:O

UGH!!!

I hope the entire "story" is lies and Jessica is not going to crash diet. Not that I think she's more important than say, me, but the more celebrities who say F U to diet culture and who show the world that the thinness standard we hold is against most women's "equillibrium" sizes and etc.. the better.. imo neways :| (Besides I like Jessica >.>)

And we all know what's going to happen if she does lose that weight, it'll come back once she goes off the diet (and/or can't keep up the constant fitness regimen) and b/c of the way our bodies work coming out of losing so much weight she'll gain extra weight (before her body works it's way back to equilibrium) and the media will jump on her and try to shame her back into being thin and a "good role model" for women. >:|

RAWR >:O

It's kinda disgusting how our society has so twisted our relationships with our bodies that we see a good thing, a loving thing, that our body does for us (lowering metabolism to store more energy, resisting losing more weight, trying to go back to equilibrium) as this awful horrible thing that must be conquered, beaten, destroyed and hated. :\ It's very hard to have self-confidence to "love who we are" when we're taught to hate our very physical forms and natural rhythms and ultimately WHO WE ARE. :(

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Cabbity Ami is happy it's spring-ish :D

B/c I feel like being friendly today and b/c I'm just so glad it's warmed up enuf that I dun need to wear layers and layers and layers nemore, here is a pic of me from yesterday! :D

I'm in a skirt but you can't see it very well :| (I dun like my expression in this pic but you can see the skirt better here :D ) Also pig cabbit tails! :D

Photobucket

ED Post: In Barbie land puberty means breasts, your legs get stretched out and nothing else..

I'm kinda having a freak out right now which means lots of chewing and spitting and no actual eating/swallowing :(

So I'm going to blog to try to calm myself down :\ This is an expanded version of a post from my private LJ. :|

I saw these dolls in a toy section the other day and they rly dun sit well with me >:\ I think it's a rly neat idea to have toys of girls growing up into women except that in Barbie land, the only difference is bigger breasts, the face changes a bit, and you get taller (well your legs get longer) and that's it.. same flat stomach, same small hips... like :\ It plays into this idea that the ideal shape of a woman is a pre-teen girl but taller, thinner and with breasts :\ That the changes to your body (outside of breasts) are bad, they must be fought... and like the legs just get longer, not wider... so they just become freakishly thin :\ (also that growing up necessarily means wearing heels)

And yeah.. great message to send to girls (and what's up with the TEXT!? it's very creepy... >.<;; I thought they were marketting this to young girls xD ), becoming a woman means being thin, tall and impossibly shaped and your body better not change in any other ways >.<;;

And this is only one example of a culture that stresses thinness and pre-pubescent physical qualities (flat stomach, tiny hips) as the beauty standard for women and it's not rly surprising that so many girls develop EDs around puberty... :( Your body changes and our society tells you those changes are wrong, unattractive and basically, incorrect. :\ I mean even with clothing, they dun "grow up" with us, pants still expect small hips, no curves. :\

It's scary, cuz I'm on hormones now and my body is changing and I know these changes are positive and natural changes, but my body now, with no hips, with being a size 0, is the ideal of what society wants from women. I have even had opportunities to model and companies who say my body shape fits the "look" they want (I've passed up these opportunities b/c I worry that they'll make my ED worse :\ It was not easy to make that decision) and... it frightens me... it rly frightens me that my body (which is kinda going thru puberty right now in terms of developing breasts and hips, and etc) will change, and I feel like I need to fight that... cuz it's not the "ideal" shape of women, cuz even now pants that should fit me perfectly in terms of legs and calves and etc, barely fit on my hips as it is and I have such small hips..

I dunno, this is rambly.. it would be rly nice to have toys for girls that show girls growing up to be women and have all sorts of different body shapes and curves and stuff.. y'know, the natural stuff women get... :\

I have this action figure of She-Hulk on my window sill. I love it cuz she's awesome but also cuz she has a stomach, she has that little pudge thing, and that's NORMAL and women HAVE THAT, and I have that but I hate it so much b/c I see all these images of women all the time of the flat flat stomach and I feel like there's something wrong with ME and MY BODY when there's NOT, when it's NATURAL but we have NO IDEA what a natural body is nemore... and we're teaching girls that the changes their bodies will go thru are unnatural as well, are incorrect and must be fought, must be controlled, their natural impulses towards food and eating, limited. :\

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

F-ing horrible ablist psychiatrist is f-ing horrible and ablist

This is an incredibly awful ablist letter >:O

The letter ends with the standard plea for more resources and less stigma, totally missing the irony that these violent incidents play a large part in the origin of the stigma itself.

Kinda like saying that the stigma of gay ppl being sexual predators is the fault of gay ppl b/c there have been some sexual predators who are gay >_<;; Or that the stigma that black ppl are criminals is the fault of black ppl b/c some criminals are black!? >_<;;

WTFing F!?

The average person is six times more likely to be killed by someone mentally ill each year than to be involved in a plane crash that results in at least one fatality during their entire lifetime.

That is a BIZARRE comparison. Like, why not compare ppl killed by somebody with a mental illness vs ppl killed by neuro typical ppl? Or would that stat not rly work to your favour? >_>;;;

And finally:

There will be on average one further killing by a schizophrenic every two to three weeks for the foreseeable future in Canada. Unfortunately, no level of government will risk doing anything about it.

Um... I'm almost scared to ask... do WHAT about it? >.<;; WHAT DO YOU WANT THEM TO DO HUH? I'm rly worried about what he's leaving out that he wants the governments to DO about ppl with mental illnesses. D:<

And this ignorant hateful person is a PSYCHIATRIST!?

Tho given many of the psychs I've run into, that might not rly surprise me but.. ugh ugh ugh! >:O

Monday, March 16, 2009

ED Repost: Food is good. And therefore we are good if we eat it. >:\

Originally posted in my LJ on December 17, 2008 (slightly editted)

I'm shutting down for today :\

Before I go tho, I need to post this story about how fucked up our society and our medical professionals see health, eating disorders and weight. >:\ This doesn't surprise me tho, the attitude that "losing weight is almost never a bad thing" or that less weight = more health is everywhere. :\ My housemate has a host of health problems (including problems with her liver, back and bowel) and when she was trying to figure out what was wrong with her she kept running into the attitude from doctor's of "oh it's prolly your weight, lose some weight and see if it feels better"... and one doctor even JIGGLED HER TUMMY and told her "don't you want to lose that? well.. don't you?"

cuz like "YOU'RE A WOMAN. DUN YOU WANNA BE THIN!? What's wrong with you?"

And when she lost a lot of weight b/c she was walking a ton (as she couldn't afford transit often at the time) and not eating much (lack of money, health problems and stress) and overworked and she felt RLY RLY awful and unhealthy, ppl and doctor's kept telling her how much healthier she must feel and must be b/c she lost weight. There's just such a huge idea in our society that health is the same as size, or at the very least "you can never go wrong trying to be thin".

Or how ppl think that ppl with EDs just lack information, or that our control and seeing food as a math equation is a GOOD thing, it's just, it's targetted wrong... or how knowing more about "nutrition" will fix everything! We MUST be screwed up cuz we're just ignorant about food! If nething I need LESS information not more!!

So many ppl and medical ppl and "experts" think that restricting EDs are so easy to fix cuz we're alrdy going in the right direction right? They just need to "pull us back" a bit...

and ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

And that story made me weep... HOW FUCKED UP IS THAT!? But thin is always better and always healthier... >:\ Esp for women.

Also I'm mad at myself that I'm SCARED about getting my stomach used to eating. Knowing that I shrunk my stomach actually made me happy b/c... the idea of "girls have small stomachs" and "girls eat less than boys" and that only boys should be capable of stuffing themselves with huge wads of food is something I've been so raised around and esp in my family with my mom's idea of how guys and girls should eat , but also in society in general. And of course as women we'd feel guilty for eating a lot b/c we keep being told in everything and in fiction and in the media and in general that we should NOT naturally want to or be able to eat a lot, so if we do or can our bodies are wrong, or our desires are wrong, or there's something WRONG with us! >:O

And.. ARGH

Before I explode, I'm going to leave you with this:

Eat Food. You'll like it.

Maybe one day I'll believe that... :\

Thursday, March 12, 2009

At least I know I'm a prisoner in my box...

Okay so this is a post I made in December.. it's one of my bigger ones and one a lot of ppl seem to think I should share. I'm using this as a test case right now to see if I should turn comments off period for the ED posts or not. We'll see how the comments go I guess :) It's still a very raw and sensitive thing for me so I rly am hoping there's not a whole lot of problematic comments :\

----

I've been thinking about food, eating and society a lot... and talking with Rachel, Christine, Trish and Zhinxy about it and just...

Zhinxy showed me this blog about EDs, food and society, and the title was "every woman has an eating disorder".. and that's something I've been thinking a lot about and I think it's true... not in that every woman has anorexia or bulimia, but that we all have an unhealthy fixation/relationship with our bodies, body image, eating, food and the effects on our bodies...

one of the things that got me was when trying to be supportive of me and my problems, how often ppl ended up saying stuff like "you should eat, but watch out for the cheese!" or "you should eat, just don't over-eat!" or "watch the carbs!" and etc... I mean, I know ppl are trying to be supportive and that's just HOW POWERFUL the msgs society sends women are, that we dun even notice we're seeing things in a certain way or trapped in our own boxes! That even when we just want somebody to EAT, we have to throw in "but watch out you dont..." eat something unhealthy, get fat, eat the wrong things... etc... cuz we're so trained TO watch out for those things, to see this as an ever impending threat to us as women.. when we care about another woman, it's just automatic that we have to remind them about their health and getting fat also... cuz we care about them, and we're taught just how important it is for women not to "fall of the edge" the other way :\

Do we tell ppl with a drinking problem not to drink too much, but y'know.. don't go sober or nething, just drink a little... not too much tho!

We understand how unhelpful that is.. that in the state they're in, having them worry about keeping their balance on some tightrope is not what they need... so why are we so scared about keeping our underweight or starving friends from getting fat at the same time we want them to eat? :\

I was at the super market last night and I was in line, and there were 2 girls, one of them had 5 candy bars and her boyfriend was mocking her for it and saying that it's such a girl thing. The two girls talked about how they needed it, and one said she ate half a cake the other day and how it was so good but she'd "pay" for it, and the other was berating her that she'd get fat.. they both sounded guilty and sad... the girl who ate the cake continued saying she went clothes shopping afterwards and that it was bad to eat a cake right before doing that and she was shocked she actually lost weight and didn't need a larger size and couldn't believe how that could be.. and more about how they would get so fat... and that they need to not eat stuff after... and... I wanted to throw my pepsi all over them! Just cuz... it was very triggering and... my own headspace is there even tho when I'm in third person mode, I know that it's stupid to think that eating something will IMMEDIATELY make you fat or something...

And of course the guy is snerking... I mean, when he wants a chocolate bar, he just buys one and eats it. When he wants a burger he goes out and gets one. He isn't made to feel guilty about it later. He's not told constantly that the food is going to his thighs or stomach, that he's going to get FAT, not just one day in the future, but NOW. You're gonna PAY! He's not told to avoid food he wants, or eating period, only noshing on certain "allowed" foods until he can't take it any more for physical or emotional or mental reasons and then is told by society "okay it's in your gender to have a craving and give in... cuz your gender is crazy and you're allowed"... of course he'd down a billion burgers or chocolate bars at once! Cuz he knows it's going to be a long time before he can again, b/c it's been built up all this time, cuz when he wants he can't HAVE it, it becomes this rare treasure he can finally touch... And then after, the guilt is piled on again, and he has to pay penance and avoid it until the next moment of weakness.. and remember it's a weakness.. it's a weakness of you and your gender...

Also he doesn't have to wear clothes that are made to fit tight, that we're told SHOULD be as tight as possible, or told that the smaller the number on the tag, the better we are, the more we've accomplished. He's not made to be aware of every pound he gains or loses, every size change, whether pants fit too tight or not. :\ In fact he should WEAR clothes that are looser, so he if gains a pound or gets a little bigger or smaller thru the months (as happens), it isn't noticed...

And his clothes aren't advertised as being "the perfect fit" or "hugs your curves" and etc... not the perfect fit for this model that we've put on the cover.. not hugging the curves of this plastic manniquin... YOUR curves.. so if they dun fit right.. it's YOUR fault, it SHOULD!

So no wonder we're so screwed up. No wonder, even when we dun realize it, the idea of staying thin, or being thin, the fear of being fat, or gaining weight, of being "unhealthy" is there at the back of our minds. It's like any sin, if we were allowed to be free, we'd over-indulge. It's for our own good! We're weak. Pleasure is bad, pain is good, denial is good! And it becomes self fulfilling, the more we deny, the more we indulge in a moment of "weakness". We can't even imagine that maybe, just MAYBE, if we could eat freely, if we COULD be free, we might be healthy, and we might EAT in a healthy way b/c there would be no "sinful" foods that "tempt" us. We'd eat when we want, how we want, what we want, and we'd stop when we wanted to b/c we know we can eat freely and whenever without guilt, without shame! But that's sinful and wicked and gluttonous. That's too easy, and it feels too good..

So we're taught to care about everything in food, every little thing... every ingredient, every calorie...

We're taught to watch the carbs, watch the cheese... and.. maybe my box is smaller or tighter than other women.. but we're all in boxes :\ We're all trapped... and we think we're freeing our friends when we're just offering them another box, a different box :\

And like we're SURROUNDED by this culture of fear about food and "health" and nutrition... that even the slightest bit is the end. That at any point we can slip over the edge and lose control. So while we dun want to be anorexic, we gotta watch out for the cheese, we gotta watch those carbs.. we need to walk the tight rope b/c while having an ED is scary, so is getting fat, being unhealthy, there's not a big leeway, there's almost none, there's little room for fun, only the occasional comfort food eating, but try to stay healthy, try to stay guilt free, remember the exercise, b/c you want to fit those skinny jeans, they're the PERFECT fit for your butt, and self control, remember, your sins are yours, and you'll pay for them.

So walk the line.

Don't starve.

But watch the cheese.

Acknowledging you screwed up doesn't make you a bad person, it makes you an adult.

By popular demand here's a post I made in my private journal:

I'm sick of hearing ppl act as if ppl who were offensive who said problematic things, who said -ist things must be treated nicely and "taught" and if we're mean they won't "learn" and more importantly "they don't know better" so we have to teach them. Esp when a lot of these ppl are otherwise very intelligent feminists or knowledgable about anti-oppression issues and should know what words like "appropriation" and "objectification" mean. It's not like we need ot treat them like kids and sit them on our lap and teach them about these things!

And it comes down to this idea that ppl seem to think the ONLY reason that nebody might be offensive or problematic OTHER THAN on purpose (and y'know only the KKK and Nazis do that neways) is that they just didn't know better, they had no idea!! It couldn't be that they just dun CARE, that they are so wrapped in their own privilege that if the words are coming out of THEIR mouth they don't SEE the problem. That's not the same as NOT KNOWING BETTER, that's just NOT SEEING IT, and that's PERFECTLY OKAY. Own up to your privilege! Admit you're wrong. APOLOGIZE.

It's like... if you're driving and you hit another car, and yah you weren't looking, you didn't mean to, you were distracted, you were on the cell phone, you were sleepy, whatever.. I GET THAT. YOU DID NOT DO IT ON PURPOSE, it's FINE! Apologize, pay damages, MOVE ON.

But instead what these ppl and their defenders seem to want us to believe is "I didn't know hitting another car would result in damage!" and "I didn't know hitting the accelerator would make the car go forward!" and "I DUNNO HOW TO DRIVE TEACH ME HOW TEACH ME HOW!"

Like, SRSLY... >:|

YOU ARE NOT A BAD PERSON JUST B/C YOU SCREWED UP OR WEREN'T PAYING ATTENTION OR SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER

Be an adult, own up and move on! Instead we get this attitude like ppl can't make mistakes, either you MEANT to be bad, or you DIDN'T KNOW BETTER and... AUGH... it's like this weird virgin/whore thing, either you're an innocent babe or you're a horrible CommieNazi! >____<;;;

You don't have to be perfect to be a good person, and admitting that you should know better and that you screwed up and you're sorry doesn't make you a bad person, it makes you an adult. :)
*sniffle* I hate being sick :\ Since I'm sick I might as well blog. :|

This is something my friends keep telling me I should do but I get nervous about putting it on my public blog. :(

I have an eating disorder :( It's pretty serious, but I'm finally trying to get help for it... I've dropped 5 sizes to a size 0 in only a couple months.. for a while I was eating at most 800 calories a day and generally around 500.. I spit food out a lot.. I've memorized the caloric content of just about everything to the point that even tho I dun keep a txt file of everything I eat every day and the caloric totals, I still know it in my mind when I see the food or even think about possibly eating it. :\

I have lost my hunger reflex.. I feel faint, tired and cold all the time and my hair is coming out :( Eating seems like this huge chore to do and it scares me to even attempt it most of the time.. ;-; I hoarde food (it's part of the body and mind's natural response to being starved, I mean it doesn't know when you're on a diet), I think about it all the time, being in grocery stores makes me feel better b/c my mind just knows I'm not getting food and it needs me to get as much as I can, it doesn't know why I'm not eating it..

I exercise constantly, run until I'm faint, work out even when I'm tired, exhausted or in this case sick...

I'm not saying this for pity or to scare ppl, just that... it's what I'm dealing with, and if I'm going to talk about it, I want all the cards on the table :)

I've been writing a lot in my private blog about how we are taught to see food in our society, esp in relation to women, about sin and food, about our diet culture, about what our bodies and brains do when they aren't getting enuf food, about our views of weight and food in our society, about my own relationship to my body and my dysphoria and how that factors in, and other such things.. and my friends have said I should put it out on my public blog... and... I'm scared to b/c I'm scared of being told I have no problem, I'm scared to be honest about this, and I'm scared of ppl who are big on dieting taking nething I say personally or as an attack on them. :\ And I'm just scared in general, b/c even tho I'm trying to recover, it's still so hard for me to admit I HAVE a problem sometimes or that even the little I can eat even tho it feels like SO MUCH, is not close to enuf... :\ And I'm scared ppl are just going to say I'm making excuses for my own problems as if we all live in some sort of social vaccuum and that I'm screwed up and a freak.. >.<;;

But... it's what's on my mind, it's a lot of what I'm dealing with, and it helps to talk about it (tho I may or may not turn comments off for those posts..) and write now I barely have the energy or the brain power to think about nething else much less care or write about nething else... everything is so exhausting... and painful.. and cold.. and maybe it'll be helpful, if not for nebody else, then for me, to talk about it and everything surrounding EDs. :|

I hope that this doesn't scare ppl off or something... I just like being honest with ppl, and I dunno.. it's a big thing I'm dealing with and otherwise I can't rly talk about nething nemore :(

Who knows why I'm doing it, I just am. >.<;;

"I kissed a trans man and I liked it"

This comic pisses me off

Esp since the author is unapologetic about it and she deleted all comments when trans ppl en masse criticized her "view" of us. >.<;; So like, it didn't happen, cuz like.. the comments are gone. >___>;; And conveniently and I suspect MORE IMPORTANTLY (cuz her critics are still going after her on their own blogs after all) all the problematic things SHE said which reaveled how she felt about trans ppl are gone. I have less of a problem with moderating comments since ppl have a variety of avenues (like this one! :D) to criticize you than doing scorched earth just to hide your OWN comments where your pants were hanging in the wind. And oh yah, the absolute refusal to acknowledge or own your cis privilege. >.<;;;

It rly bothers me how she reduces trans men (and thus trans ppl in general) to their birth assigned gender. >.<;;

And I love how it's perfectly okay to her to fetishize trans men and to act as if they are just women playing at being men, and hay, she thinks they're hot, so, it's rly their fault, for like.. being hot (and no, apparently it wasn't ironic, this is her view)

And like, it's a compliment cuz like.. she means it to be one.. even if trans ppl ARE NOT HAPPY ABOUT THIS, well she MEANS well!

And that (and all sorts of well meaning white ppl who claim to be the furthest thing from racist EVAR) is what rly bothers me about this "meaning well" thing. If you TRULY mean well, if you TRULY mean to do GOOD THINGS towards a person or a group, you would be HORRIFIED when they tell you you have hurt them or you are NOT doing good things to them. CUZ YOU MEANT TO DO THEM GOOD, so you must CARE about them and WANT them to be happy RIGHT!? But if instead it becomes ALL ABOUT YOU and HOW DARE PPL NOT BE HAPPY WITH YOUR OFF-THE-MARK "WELL MEANING" INTENTIONS, then well... YOU DUN ACTUALLY MEAN WELL TOWARDS THEM DO YOU!? B/C THEN YOU ONLY CARE ABOUT YOURSELF AND PATTING YOURSELF ON THE BACK FOR BEING A GOOD PERSON YOU DUN ACTUALLY CARE ABOUT THE PERSON OR GROUP YOU MEAN WELL TO RIGHT!?

*GRAH*

*flails angrily*

This post by my friend, Sarah sums it up rly well too about how being a tranny chaser and fetishizing trans ppl is problematic whether or not it comes from a cis male or a cis female and about what objectification is. >.< And it highlights some of what happened that she's now tried to hide. >:|

Oh and I rly like how the cis guy in the third panel has a full thick facial hair and her idea of transmen seems to be similar to the "mainstream" idea of trans women. Trans men can't have thick beards, they have to bind their breasts necessarily and they are thin and slight, just like how trans women in our "popular media" often are shown as being unable to hide their shadows, unable to grow their own breasts and being thick and big. >.<;; There are all sorts of trans men and trans women, and just as TV seems to like playing up this stereotypical strawperson contrast between the "real" woman and the trans woman who is a poor imitator, so does this comic do with "real" men and trans men. >:|

Srsly, if you spin it around to be a cis man talking about how hot trans women were, that with the help of breast forms and heavy make up and tape, we can "transform their male bodies to pass as female" and contrasted us with a thin shapely cis woman with big breasts to say that cis women dun turn him on.. and then at the end he tells the trans woman to stop being so "ridiculously hot" if she doesn't want to be reduced to a fetish, yah I think it's pretty obvious that's tranny fetishistic BS and cissexistly insulting. And it's just as cissexist and problematic the other way with a cis woman objectifying and fetishizing and stereotyping trans men and blatant cis privilege at work! >:\

Or like a straight guy stereotyping and exotifying lesbians, or a straight person talking about how awesomely hot and slutty bi ppl are, or a white man doing it with Asian women, or Katy Perry and lesbians being her "experimental game". Either way it is a member of a privileged group objectifying, exoticizing, fetishizing and defining a marginalized group and acting as if that group exists for them. >:\

It's the same sort of attitude and stereotyping and marginalizing that queerphobes use except with the spin that "oh it's true, trans ppl rly ARE just their birth assigned gender pretending to be another gender, but that's hot instead of gross" and whether "love" or hate, it's informed by the same cissexist heterocentric view of trans ppl. She doesn't respect our identity but she thinks we're hot, yay! >.<;;

ARGH

ARGH

ARGH

Okay I'm done and too tired (and sick :( actually sick ;-; ) to articulate more! >:| I just rly wanted to get this out b/c the creator is trying to hide the criticism and pretend the outcry didn't happen, and.. this comic rly rly annoys me in it's objectification of trans ppl >:|

And it's just.. deleting all the comments from ACTUAL TRANS PPL who tell you how much your comic is problematic to them (and I think more to the point and more annoying deleting HER problematic and cissexist comments which she prolly realized made her look HORRIBLE).. yeah that rly shows how much you love us and more importantly RESPECT us. Rly. >.<

edit: Shemale made her own version of the comic. xD

edit x 2: I have been told by ppl who know Erika that she might have taken down her comments so that she can think about how she's offended and will hopefully post something acknowledging that and apologizing for it. Obv they dunno, and neither do I, but I hope their faith is proven true :)